weeee

yes yes

so, the mysterious hands of fate have been motioning me various ways again. i ran into one of the more interesting fellows of my bellaire experience. by a weird chance i saw him at barnes and noble today. funny thing is its not the first time ive run into him recently. also saw him at his job. thing is, we have quite a bit in common. moreso than most people i know, in today's society where everybody has to be in some nitch and i have to be in an obscure one, finding people similar to myself is difficult.

anyhow, we probably talked for at least an hour there, if not more. minimal smalltalk, just nice deep conversation. i would have creamed myself in excitement sophomore year of high school. jeez.

so im optimistic about such things.

in other news i need to start gettin my mind in shape for all the crap thats going to be shoved into it starting in about a month. especially with the philosophy class im taking. reading reading reading. im going to have to read and meditate and read and meditate. i really dont know which one is better but im rather starting to enjoy my meditation.

HERE NOW -- on a whim, because i have been doing that lately [making whims and having myself follow though on them] --- im going to meditate for an hour tonight.

you bastard daniel. oh you. what a fucker.

AND

YOUR GOING TO PICK ONE KIND OF MEDITATION AND STICK TO IT

oh daniel your such a bastard. silly whimsical me. oh my oh my.

this is going to be a long hour.

hm, what meditation shall i use? could i stick to the taoist deal? take in yin and deposit it to the yang realm or could i do the zazen-esque deal i learned at the zen place? how will i put my legs?

here, ill make my own:

count five while inhaling.
mental silence for 3-4 seconds
mindfully exhale for 8 counts
then repeat, no silence.

legs will be half lotus and ill switch half way through.

DONE

knurd flah

i have this deal. this deal when im in a quick situation, a situation that brings anxiety. my subconcious takes over and you can see right through me. right through me to what i really am behind all the walls and barriers i put between myself and the world. barriers to make myself more charming or personable.

im really not very good at these things yet: these barriers. and this is just a symptom of this. i really need to get rid of these seems and cut holes the tailer hasnt yet fixed. the tailor really needs to go back over his work. sloppy work. it wasnt thought out. just put together. slipshod.

awareness. concentration is what i need. i need to read more.

why is my mind so fragile? so flexable?

why do i change so quickly? i really would rather not. id much be happy to work hard to get to a good state and then just stay there. if i read alot for one week ill have good concentration ofr that week and maybe a week afterwards and the its back to normal. why cant the permanent impact be done? its very annoying how flexable my mind is.

just during this one month or so ive been at work my mind has been trough phases:
i came there with my ever-important facade well in place and effective. it was in place and effective cause i had no time to think to myself for the last 6 months. i didnt let myself over-analyze and i was comfortable. then, suddenly, about 2 weeks later i was a low as i had been senior year, fall semester. i mumbled about and spoke softly and basked in low self esteem. you cant escape over-analyzations when your by yourself for 7 hours at a time. it takes over. dishes are the catalyst .

then, a started changing again. started reciting the mantra "y memory is wonderful". the one day i must had done over 1000 times. the stray thoughts started to lesson. now im back to normal almost. just a bit of work to be done. im not the same as when i started the job though. i guess thats what im finding out with this message. though i really already knew it but only subconsciously [yes!!!].

what will i do? strive for an existance where i can either be:
1. able to analyze and keep my wild anxious subconscious from taking over all the time [the subconscious is the one that overanalyses]
2. change the subconscious [takes a long time but i need to do it eventually anyway.

what do i want the subconcious to change into? it needs to be:

driven for success - is already just a bit
creative - is already minimally but is already
relaxed - is about half way. i should aim for being relaxed no matter what
confident - main issue. my subconscious has barely and confidence in my ability while my conscious mind does.

how will i do this?
this is a hard question. its hard to please all three. tea helps the creative and relaxed but not the confident and the sucsess. i dont know aobut meditation. being with friends help all of em except the success. reading helps all of them. i should read more.

this job hasnt let me read as much as id like.

cylical syllables simmer

hm, ive thought about many a thing today.

similar to about two other days in my life. you'd understand why if you were me. you just gotta trust me on this one.

so first ive been thinking about the unique characteristic of things. people are a wonderful example. people are all differant and have certain traits that make them this way. everyone has their own 'taste' or 'flavor' per se.

cultures are this way too. and languages. i forget the name of the anthropologist that said each language has its own personality but this is exactly what im getting at.

also, ive been considering the notion of food being an artform. it, as a whole would be much differant an art from say visual or musical but one indeed. One cannot communicate in taste.

in reality, food is more of a handicraft. it could be an art though, in certain circumstances. it really is a measure of what art is. if your going for just ascthetic effect then it can be, but if you want something more than maybe not so. but what if instead of the asthetic effect you noticed the roots or intracacy of the food?

hmmm?

i forgot.

i forgot to mention that the moon was very large. it took up maybe one-third of the sky. and it still had that hole. it was big because it was so close to the earth. everybody was panicking and it was night.

while im at it, im getting rather good at controlling my mind. i used to have trouble with ;sychological addiction. haha that seems like an eternity ago. while i was meditating yesterday i got a song unstuck from my head and the stupid little noises my mind makes totally out. clarity of mind is the best feeling in the world.

while i was all clarified i thought about something, something kinda funny and couldnt stop laughing. usually i just stop meditating at that point cause its hard to start concentrating again, but im a trooper so i meditated on. good stuff.

quick quick!

last night i had a dream that the full moon had a giant hole in the middle of it. you could see right through it. it was sinking into earth, its orbit lost. we were all going to die but i hadnt really thought about it too much.

where does compassion come from naturally? is it the society? loving parents who are supportive in whatever you do and are compassionate to you? philosophy and god? a wondrous upbringing with nobody tormenting you? it probably comes from living with compassionate people.

where does trust in society's morality come from? the morality of the masses. maybe it comes from being content throughout your whole childhood and adolescence with your family and authority.

are people naturally angered with authority? cause that would mean they were able to be compassionate.

so im an enlightened man today. indeed.

i have just come from just the most pleasant walk about my neighborhood as could be. it was a full moon and i had a cuban cigar and opeth playing. i felt it important to mention these things too. also the time, but im holdin' back. see?

im not sure whether im going to keep this a secret or not. it seems more 'permanent' than writing in my book. and thats very silly. all this is only 0s and 1s in a server somewhere. i stray.

ive decided to accept a life of moral collectivism. the last three years of my life were based on objective truths and a morality that enveloped all. the thing is, that basically meant i could allow myself to do anything provided i reasoned it out. and anything can be reasoned. oh yes.

but thats all gone now. morality isnt really something that should be thought about too much.

im still sewing up a nice sized tear. what is it now? i think its the last of my ego. that thing, yea. it tore me apart it did. it occurs to me that many people are probably torn up too. everybody has an ego these days. everyone mature at least; many who arnt too! The problem is that i still take people very seriously if they are kidding about or tactlessly offending me with no intent of offending me. just playing around. i also have this sense of 'justice' where everyone should be improved. everyone will be improved, but it will take time. i want to help people but i push my help on those im close to. many times these people dont want it. this leads to trouble.

i realized today that i never formulated a trust in the 'rules' of society or the conscience maybe partially because i never trusted my parent's judgment from an earlier age. ny dad being atheist always had me questioning things too. i remember in sophomore year knowing that i was more moral than my parents and most everybody. course that was wonderful and all and i was headed in the right direction but i just didnt have the discipline to back it up. why? i never figured that out. i know how to have discipline now though. it still is progressing though.

ive decided to stop cussing. maybe sometimes for dramatic effect, but never more than once every hour or so. day or so. month or so.

theres a value to just living....
i couldnt explain that one in words.
hm, theres a value to living peaches in the summer and santa clause.
look that the herron.

i dont want to do anything i have to reason out to myself anymore. its very tiring and usually ends wrong.

im also not happy with how i think ive taken part in sophia's social development. im to ashamed to write any more. and i cant try to undo it without screwing it up more.

on the whole, im glad my life has run out of its rut.