when the angel of relax is presemt is when i strike. it is so.

i havent been keepin up with thing. yea. so what?

apperantly im apart from everyone. is what the philosophers say

its about to get deep so tune out if nesecary-----------------------------

im haveing trouble typing this.

o feel so lost. i nuclear submarine with no anchor. set to a certain place with no coordinates.

what do i need my friend?

my

my its been some time.

my my my my my my my

yes yes.

so i seem to have a scarlet triangle superseding the interior my of human. my human is me by the. way. i am me so i own me. it is only logical. fuck logical.

so. so so so so so.

today has been eventish. lots of crazy loves and fishes and strikes and misses. i really have no idea what to do with myself or anything. Im just going to let this flow into one pharagragh. ive been meaning to let my interiors flow for some time. its only healthy right???

so, take not readers, this in not me. this is a concentration of one part of me. the worst part most would say, the best part others would say, a minority indeed. i am afraid, sorry to say, so i will condemn parts to parabole.

i love whale. whale wisited me today and i love it. i will always love whale. i have a boat. on this boat i paddle upstream in search of sea creatures. whale befriended me once and stayed. but ince whale and i became best friends, i left! i was all alone, many other fish in the sea of course! no whales though. whales are special. anyway,i met this same whlae today. for some reason it swam and met me along the channel of all places. it was shallow! i guess it was a hard decision for el whalo.

anyway. my metaphor is obvious. if you dont understand it i want to be your friend.

i aloso talked to julie today. i like julie. she is fun. i am a liker of fun fun. mayne i will see julie again?

my stomach hurts man. it do.

angry balloons

it is here, the day. they day of RECKONING.

not really.

i feel like i had something to write here. what the flippin jesu was it?

im putting on some arsis to hear. i never really got into arsis, but i really like 'face of my innocence'. one just has to grasp the melodies you know? if that doesnt happen then you'll never be attached to the music.

my god, i had forgotten how much i prey mantis on physics. im so flippin good its not even humorous except for the fact that im always laughing really loud while doing it. im so good it makes me laugh out of my pants.

but yes. my sunboncious is really turning the fact lately that reality is a dream and trying results in dissatisfaction. it makes things so much easier. so much. as long as you act on the whim and the heart, the persona, is pure in your own view then everything works out splendid.

oh, i remembered what i wanted to type about. im friken glad cause i was gettin bored.
pleasure, its a very odd phenomenon. i was walking to class today and the sun was very warm. i stopped in the light of it. the gleaming rays of your orange solus just to feel the radiation on my skin.

pleasure.

i stopped o think why it was good. there really was no reason. it was but a sensation, neither good or bad. i want to say that there are no good nor bad sensations in and of themselves and that society conditions us to like or dislike various sensations. but, though this is true for some phenomena, it is not true generally.

there is something that causes us to like and dislike certain things. that must be a part of instinct. it must be one of the instinct's base properties. its funny to think that something so primal as instict plays such a large role everywhere in our modern world. everyone dissociates among food. everyone uses their insticts and dislikes certain foods or especially finds pleasure in other ones.

tats realy all i can speculate on pleasure. its fully based on instict.

my purple spectacles

i want a drawer neatly organized with spectacles of ever shade of color known to man in a rainbow-esque spiral.

id get to

wake up every day and think about which way id like to obstruct reality. some days id get a bit too excited and switch off two pairs a day. im sure.

what color shall the world be today?

what spectacles do we already have on is the question. precisely.

but thats not what i wanted to write about.
what i wanted to write about was human nature.

hhhmmmmmm

so heres the question i have been posed and must answer:
are people good because of conditioning or because of something inside of them naturally.

my first steph-esque instinct is to say a bit of both.
but then i have to re-think that. what proof do i have for the latter part? i surely have proof for the former.

here it is.

i think that the love of kin is the overlooked aspect. it starts with the immediate family and diffuses over the less related getting weaker. you have the same feeling for your race or country, for instance, but the feeling is not of such a caliber.

this love and kinship is what fuels the tribes which fuel the civilizations which fuel the constructs conditioned into us.
where does this come from?

easy, it comes from natural selection.

god dammit. science is so un-romantic.

but then why is it that some people can love their family but steal from their neighbors of the same ethnic group? some people steal from their own families!!

of course these are 'bad' people. they are looked down upon by society. but, why does this happen? one is a lack of resources. they need food or shelter and have to take it from anybody-

but suppose there was a man or woman who had everything they needeed for survival and then some and then they stole from their neighbor or family for sheer greed.

this is a 'very bad' person. society hates them. but, why does this happen? it seems as if this person is missing a key ingredient in their charactor that their countrymen have. either that or they have an extra ingredient.

im afraid to say that i cannot go any furthur on account of id have to study the person. if they had also a deep love for their family that would make them very very interesting.


its all society though. thats the only reason vikings could have peace of mind while raping and pillaging. haha vikings.



i wish i could come up wit

we know nothing

look at the title i gave this message. absorb it. this is something that was not just an offhand and whimsical remark. i really mean it. the scope is too large. far to large for us to know anything meaningful. the pursuit of knowledge is silly. there is so much. it is so vast. who cares if we know how the world workes or its history. all that makes us is well informed humans who can tell other well informed humans things that interest them.

i suppose its good to be a well informed human, if you are a human indeed. but then again there are a few other possibilities. one is the route i seem to be taking.

i find myself dissociating.

this is a message that is honest. my others are just blither. blither blither blither.

blither blither blither.

there will be more messages with blither.

more blither blither blither

hopefully.

the thing is: ive found recently and i finally shared today that the main obstacle between doing absolutely anything and not doing it is the subconscious. the subconscious has in it that it things are the way society taught them to be. the subconscious is the root of all perception one could say. not matter how much you believe in your conscious mind that reality is but a perception, you wont observe anything due to your subconscious holding the construct that society dictated to it.

it is true.

it is hard to change the subconscious mind. very hard.

it takes time.

the subconscious is the one that feels love and feels critical and feels continuous joy. it is the driving force of you personality. the consciousness is just the facade.

i determined a week ago or so that at the very base i am selfish and cruel. thats how i was when i was a kid. but, but, i dont like that part of me. i really dont and it doesnt come up often at all. not at all. if it does its only stray thoughts. tis a good thing. in a few years it will be phased out entirely.

it occurs to me that the only reason why i was a nice guy in early high school and all was because i think slowly and because i was afraid of people and cared about how they thought. i think alot of nice guys are nice because of that. i dont even know why im a good person right now, but i am.


ive noticed just right now that i am not at all as over analytical as my subconscious is comfortable with. i used to be more over analytical and it made me a worse person. of course i can only notice this in certain states of mind. the thing is, this is how most people live. no wonder my memory has been worse, i havent been drilling myself with the information over and over again.

i think im just fine.

people dont judge and if they do it doesnt matter. if you are fairly pure people will like you. wait, no, i take that back. if you are like them they will like you. wait, no. no. people are stupid and dont matter for the most part. they only matter if they can help you of if you can help them. or if you like being around them.

people i associate with are under-analytical; and successful ones are kind of analytical. actually. i dont think you can be happy if your over-analytical.

i guess im changing.

'gettin a little bit better no doubt'

----the doctor bit was so far
----gazing through your purple spectacles,
----i can see youve had your fun.

i will study hard hard hard.

sorry for the donovan reference foo'

seeeee

i didnt finish it!

story

once upon a time there was a catipillar named jethro.

listen:
jethro had a family. he had a wife. he had two children. he was employed by conoco phillips, a suitable company to be employed by in todays economy. he had done well in caterpillar high school and caterpillar college. in caterpillar college he had a friend named phil. phil was his best friend his freshman year. phil studied a little bit but quickly got into other things like crumb-finding and beetle polo. his grades slipped and had had to go back home. all the way to the next yard. jethro did not have this happen to him. jethro was a good student.

jethro saw phil going down the slippery slope but stayed to his studies like a good caterpillar. all the monarchs loved him because he was so determined and hard-working. at conoco phillips jethro analyzed large amountages of data. he liked numbers and amountages and data. the moths and butterflies above him liked him a lot because he loved working with their numbers so much. they gave him a lot of money to spend.

as jethro walked home, across the sidewalk one day having been told by the monarchs that none of the humans were coming. nearing the other side he found a mighty precinct of ants attacking one of the earthworms that so briskly and smoothly slid in and out of the dirt around his home protecting it from grubs, ants and other threatning and scary things. this ones name was sheriff silder.

They had gotten to him and were eating him alive! the ants!

jethros heart beat faster and a chill ran down his spine.

when sheriff silder was a young worm and his mother called him billy even though his name was william and he liked it said that way. sheriff william silder decided he was going to try and climb a dandilion growing high above all the other grass one day. all his playmates had said it was the most rewarding experience a non-vertebrae could have. to be able to see all around. so, william silder found a suitable root after a few minutes digging to the surface and started a'climbin.

higher he rose. higher and higher and higher. half and inch, one inch, 2! he had his sticky body wrapped around the stem in a spiral and was inching himself up and up. up and up and up. finally he reached the dandilion head and its jovial but wise face said to him. "hmmmm this is not a place worms should be. hmmmmmm. what if i bend over into the sidewalk? hmmmmmm, with your weight anything could happen. hmmmmm?" william silder thought about this.

being an earthworm he got scared and started to squirm around, flailin' all over the flippin place. you know how those silly earthworms squim. they're just so unreasonable. and of course you have absolutely no bad intent. your not some sort of hungry bird. it was a sight to see for a ladybug named molly passing by and resting on the head of a dandilion next to our young hero's dandelion. molly got to see many funny obstacles like this though. i guess she was just lucky. always passin' through the right place at the right time. she had tons of nice stories to tell people.

ever since then jethro had been afraid of heights and very much afraid of sidewalks. see, earthworms have very simple minds. they dont use reason like we do see. they just dont understand reason.

but young william silder was a virtuous young worm and decided that after that incident he would devote his whole life and existence to the protection of friendly non-vertebrae. as mentioned afore, he would almost die from a guerrilla attack of the red gang precinct 56 when he was just trying to divert attention from a young doodlebug. THAT is how virtuous he was.

anyhow, pay attention to the story:
jethro was scared stiff. it was fortunate cause if he were to take a step futher the red gang precinct 56 might have seen or smelled him! then he would be dead meat. a carcass. he would never ever be able to build his chrysalis when he was a weary and fat old caterpillar so that he could become a beautiful monarch. quickly he made a little 'u' with his body. and headed back the way he came.

his body looked a little bit like this:

u

when he got to the other side he said to the crossing moth, "countryman!" gasp "comrade! sir moth!" gasp-exhale-gasp, "sheriff sildery!" gasp-exhale-gasp-exhale-gasp "is being attacked by red precinct 56!!!" it was a funny quirk about jethro, he added -y to the name of a peron that was introuble whenever he was scared. some people are drug addicts and some people like to gamble too much. jethro added -y to peoples names sometimes. "sheriff sidery might DIE!" he yelled.

the crossing moth, duke eiderberry, who wasnt trained for situations like these but was really big [like as big as a small person's hand] and could do anything, flapped his wings once, twice, and flew to the rescue. when he was almost across the sidewalk flopping his wings about. you know how moths do. they're so uncoordinated all the time. he swooped down and rolled sheriff silder over. most of the ants scatterred because they were afraid. some were still at it though. they were troopers. duke eiderberry made another round and came down again. he flopped the sheriff over again sending the others skimpering away. he landed next to the sheriff. the sheriff was in bad condition. very bad. though he had given a good fight and a few dead precinct 56 ants were scattered upside down with their squirmy legs in the air, he was scarcely breathing.

those bastards.

duke eiderberry calmly but authoritatively said to the sheriff "its going to be ok. i have lady sprout-n-sparkle's number." he called her and she picked up on the 6rd ring. she always picked up on the 6th ring. right when you were thinking she wasnt going to pick up her phone and youd have to leave a message shed always pick up. she never blew anyone off. it was probably because she was so magical. she was very magical. she was so magical that she could heal bugs all the time and thats why the duke called her. duke eiderberry was resourceful.

so when the duke called her she said she be right over at once. though she was busy she was having tea with the prince, she told the prestigious prince that virtue couldn't wait and flew right out of the luxurious hole in the prince's tree.

lady sprout-n-sparkle was the most beautiful butterfly anyone had ever laid their black pupils on. she had magentas, yellows, oranges, greens and lavenders laid intricately on her wings. you know how nature does that? nature can be ever so beautiful. and it usually is very beautiful too. its only not beautiful when we mess it up or over-analyze it. or try to apply math to it. math is for people who over-analyze things.

the lady's personality was even more beautiful than the body and wings and all. she was loving, caring, exciting and always had a good story. she was overall very virtuous and no matter how the men she was with devilishly played games with her heart. she would never become jaded or unable to trust anybody. she was just so pure. everybody was attracted to her and she wanted to help everyone.

as she flew over across the street, high in the sky observing all the new flowers that day, she thought of a time, way back when she was still a caterpillar much like our friend jethro. she was crawling about a root on a tree when a chipmunk stopped to chat with her. a chipmunk! how rare! the chipmunk liked to talk quite a bit and was only really talking to her because his comrades were everywhere but there. he spoke of many things such as the weather and how he thought some of his countrymen were watching where he put his acorns and the status of the blue bird nest under construction. it was an odd experience and it left an imprint on the lady's memory. thats for sure.

the chipmunks' name was gavin. gavin was later killed by an 8 year old with a slingshot who was excited by violence and wanted to have a gun. he wanted to have a gun because he saw guns in the cartoons on television and all the third graders in his class, ms. betty's, class were trained by society and the media to think that guns make them more like men when really they made men more like paranoid schizophrenics with large egos. real men arnt scared of anything and dont have large egos. when the kid killed gavin, the child was happy for a moment. happiness can be very meaningless.

dont let your mind wander, listen:
when she got there she saw the beaten-up and bitten sheriff. she landed all six legs on poor poor sheriff silder and flutteted her wings twice and balanced them out flat at her sides. her awareness constricted and she put only the healing of the sheriff in her mind. a tingling feeling was felt all about and the sheriff started to relax into breathing just fine.

the beautiful butterfly gracefully stepped off the sheriff and the sheriff said "thank you!"

jethro came trodding over. he had seen the lady futter by and had assumed what was happening right now was happening. he was good at predicting things like this.

the lady said to the sheriff "im sure you feel fine now, dont you?"
the worm said, with his country twang, "wow. i do. precinct 56 really has taken a step foreward though. to attack a sheriff!? they've never gone to these depths of blackness and desire!"

lady sprout-n-sparkle said "yes yes, there is darkness running through them. they are becoming insane i know it. it stared when the men took over the area and built sidewalks and streets. the ants turned from being black and peaceful to fire red and aggressive. we used to be friends with them so. we never used to worry, but the red ants drove our friends away. they took their nitch! the red ants' guerrilla attacks started in the 20s when they moved here from a port in alabama. they were accidentally introduced to north america from sounth america when they were brought along on a cargo ship in 1918.

the lady knew these sorts of things. she was amazing.

"but they've never been this bad. darkness is spreading over the block. it must be the darkness of human desire. its infecting the ants too. evil spreads easily. dont let it invade us too." but she didnt have to worry. the bugs were pure of heart. we should be more like them. except the fire ants, they were machines. they dont count.

"aye aye lady sprout n sparkle", jethro said.
"aye aye"

the en

a neon black

it really seems that once i break out of this shell ive been talking about, this box of constructs and stigmas keeping me in, i should be able to do a bunch of new things.

the thing that bothers me most is how every religion, every one even zen has a code of laws. that makes me look down on religions as a whole but if they ALL have codes of law, there has to be something to it.

i guess all i can get from it is that one must be good, but i dont think i have to follow strict guidelines. just be good. but im already good should that really shouldnt be very difficult. or its not difficult. tenses tenses i say... these tenses

id like to write a story and not finish it.

or

but then a differant day i was going to steal the wine cause i recognised that the only thing keeping me from it was an abstract idea. something that doesnt even exist! i cant touch it or feel it and it doesnt even make me feel good. does it make sense to have our lives ruled by these things?

cause that what society and culture are built on. and people like them! manners, ettiquite, characterizing and grouping. you know the sort. we silly people. look at us.

what if we just recognized that we exist and that any adherance to any social rule or abstract value or ideal was just a degree of getting lost in our own heads?

well, i suppose everyones true nature would come out. the mean people would be mean to others which would make the shy people more shy instead of trying to be more outgoing and then the leaders would be needed more and you get the point. maybe everybody would actually have to deal with each other for a change instead of everybody just having to deal with themselves and rules.

mass choas and disorder would ensue.

but, is this a rationalization for stealing wine?
is this realization on the path to enlightenment?

silver syllables

been a few days since ive even though about this deal. ive been pretty flippin busy thats why.

my last two days have been the downpoint on the manic-depressive roller coaster i dont experience. things change, they do. many girls really dont know what they want, its true. i like how that rhymed.

anyhow. i really wanted to steal wine from la madeline today so i gave a good sitting and tried to philosophize it out. i started thinking of who it would hurt. it would hurt no one as one bottle of wine really matters none to a store like la madeline. who would it help? maybe me, maybe some of my friends.

then i remembered my grandpa always telling me growing up "daniel, let your conscience be your guide!" oh that guy. but, i dont really have a conscience. or do it? that needs figuring.

i have a knowledge of the judeo-christian values this society was built on: dont cheat on your spose, dont hit people or cute animals and dont steal. but i also regognise these values to be defunct. nevertheless the values are always going to be at the base of my mind because they were put there first. the issue is, is my conscience the sum of the values i should have had if i didnt do any philosophizing on my own [the judeo-christian values] or are they what i know to be right through ethics? through rationalization?

when my grandpa said "daniel, let your conscience be your guide" which was he talking about? or did he merely mean not to do anything you knew was not right?

hmm. i guess i could call him, yes?
but im afraid hed have no idea what i was talking about.
and if i told him the issue hed tell me not to steal. but that doesnt help anything!

i eventually didnt steal cause i recognized that i was only stealing out of desire. and for material possession, not even an idea.
and we would want that, now would we.

weeee

yes yes

so, the mysterious hands of fate have been motioning me various ways again. i ran into one of the more interesting fellows of my bellaire experience. by a weird chance i saw him at barnes and noble today. funny thing is its not the first time ive run into him recently. also saw him at his job. thing is, we have quite a bit in common. moreso than most people i know, in today's society where everybody has to be in some nitch and i have to be in an obscure one, finding people similar to myself is difficult.

anyhow, we probably talked for at least an hour there, if not more. minimal smalltalk, just nice deep conversation. i would have creamed myself in excitement sophomore year of high school. jeez.

so im optimistic about such things.

in other news i need to start gettin my mind in shape for all the crap thats going to be shoved into it starting in about a month. especially with the philosophy class im taking. reading reading reading. im going to have to read and meditate and read and meditate. i really dont know which one is better but im rather starting to enjoy my meditation.

HERE NOW -- on a whim, because i have been doing that lately [making whims and having myself follow though on them] --- im going to meditate for an hour tonight.

you bastard daniel. oh you. what a fucker.

AND

YOUR GOING TO PICK ONE KIND OF MEDITATION AND STICK TO IT

oh daniel your such a bastard. silly whimsical me. oh my oh my.

this is going to be a long hour.

hm, what meditation shall i use? could i stick to the taoist deal? take in yin and deposit it to the yang realm or could i do the zazen-esque deal i learned at the zen place? how will i put my legs?

here, ill make my own:

count five while inhaling.
mental silence for 3-4 seconds
mindfully exhale for 8 counts
then repeat, no silence.

legs will be half lotus and ill switch half way through.

DONE

knurd flah

i have this deal. this deal when im in a quick situation, a situation that brings anxiety. my subconcious takes over and you can see right through me. right through me to what i really am behind all the walls and barriers i put between myself and the world. barriers to make myself more charming or personable.

im really not very good at these things yet: these barriers. and this is just a symptom of this. i really need to get rid of these seems and cut holes the tailer hasnt yet fixed. the tailor really needs to go back over his work. sloppy work. it wasnt thought out. just put together. slipshod.

awareness. concentration is what i need. i need to read more.

why is my mind so fragile? so flexable?

why do i change so quickly? i really would rather not. id much be happy to work hard to get to a good state and then just stay there. if i read alot for one week ill have good concentration ofr that week and maybe a week afterwards and the its back to normal. why cant the permanent impact be done? its very annoying how flexable my mind is.

just during this one month or so ive been at work my mind has been trough phases:
i came there with my ever-important facade well in place and effective. it was in place and effective cause i had no time to think to myself for the last 6 months. i didnt let myself over-analyze and i was comfortable. then, suddenly, about 2 weeks later i was a low as i had been senior year, fall semester. i mumbled about and spoke softly and basked in low self esteem. you cant escape over-analyzations when your by yourself for 7 hours at a time. it takes over. dishes are the catalyst .

then, a started changing again. started reciting the mantra "y memory is wonderful". the one day i must had done over 1000 times. the stray thoughts started to lesson. now im back to normal almost. just a bit of work to be done. im not the same as when i started the job though. i guess thats what im finding out with this message. though i really already knew it but only subconsciously [yes!!!].

what will i do? strive for an existance where i can either be:
1. able to analyze and keep my wild anxious subconscious from taking over all the time [the subconscious is the one that overanalyses]
2. change the subconscious [takes a long time but i need to do it eventually anyway.

what do i want the subconcious to change into? it needs to be:

driven for success - is already just a bit
creative - is already minimally but is already
relaxed - is about half way. i should aim for being relaxed no matter what
confident - main issue. my subconscious has barely and confidence in my ability while my conscious mind does.

how will i do this?
this is a hard question. its hard to please all three. tea helps the creative and relaxed but not the confident and the sucsess. i dont know aobut meditation. being with friends help all of em except the success. reading helps all of them. i should read more.

this job hasnt let me read as much as id like.

cylical syllables simmer

hm, ive thought about many a thing today.

similar to about two other days in my life. you'd understand why if you were me. you just gotta trust me on this one.

so first ive been thinking about the unique characteristic of things. people are a wonderful example. people are all differant and have certain traits that make them this way. everyone has their own 'taste' or 'flavor' per se.

cultures are this way too. and languages. i forget the name of the anthropologist that said each language has its own personality but this is exactly what im getting at.

also, ive been considering the notion of food being an artform. it, as a whole would be much differant an art from say visual or musical but one indeed. One cannot communicate in taste.

in reality, food is more of a handicraft. it could be an art though, in certain circumstances. it really is a measure of what art is. if your going for just ascthetic effect then it can be, but if you want something more than maybe not so. but what if instead of the asthetic effect you noticed the roots or intracacy of the food?

hmmm?

i forgot.

i forgot to mention that the moon was very large. it took up maybe one-third of the sky. and it still had that hole. it was big because it was so close to the earth. everybody was panicking and it was night.

while im at it, im getting rather good at controlling my mind. i used to have trouble with ;sychological addiction. haha that seems like an eternity ago. while i was meditating yesterday i got a song unstuck from my head and the stupid little noises my mind makes totally out. clarity of mind is the best feeling in the world.

while i was all clarified i thought about something, something kinda funny and couldnt stop laughing. usually i just stop meditating at that point cause its hard to start concentrating again, but im a trooper so i meditated on. good stuff.

quick quick!

last night i had a dream that the full moon had a giant hole in the middle of it. you could see right through it. it was sinking into earth, its orbit lost. we were all going to die but i hadnt really thought about it too much.

where does compassion come from naturally? is it the society? loving parents who are supportive in whatever you do and are compassionate to you? philosophy and god? a wondrous upbringing with nobody tormenting you? it probably comes from living with compassionate people.

where does trust in society's morality come from? the morality of the masses. maybe it comes from being content throughout your whole childhood and adolescence with your family and authority.

are people naturally angered with authority? cause that would mean they were able to be compassionate.

so im an enlightened man today. indeed.

i have just come from just the most pleasant walk about my neighborhood as could be. it was a full moon and i had a cuban cigar and opeth playing. i felt it important to mention these things too. also the time, but im holdin' back. see?

im not sure whether im going to keep this a secret or not. it seems more 'permanent' than writing in my book. and thats very silly. all this is only 0s and 1s in a server somewhere. i stray.

ive decided to accept a life of moral collectivism. the last three years of my life were based on objective truths and a morality that enveloped all. the thing is, that basically meant i could allow myself to do anything provided i reasoned it out. and anything can be reasoned. oh yes.

but thats all gone now. morality isnt really something that should be thought about too much.

im still sewing up a nice sized tear. what is it now? i think its the last of my ego. that thing, yea. it tore me apart it did. it occurs to me that many people are probably torn up too. everybody has an ego these days. everyone mature at least; many who arnt too! The problem is that i still take people very seriously if they are kidding about or tactlessly offending me with no intent of offending me. just playing around. i also have this sense of 'justice' where everyone should be improved. everyone will be improved, but it will take time. i want to help people but i push my help on those im close to. many times these people dont want it. this leads to trouble.

i realized today that i never formulated a trust in the 'rules' of society or the conscience maybe partially because i never trusted my parent's judgment from an earlier age. ny dad being atheist always had me questioning things too. i remember in sophomore year knowing that i was more moral than my parents and most everybody. course that was wonderful and all and i was headed in the right direction but i just didnt have the discipline to back it up. why? i never figured that out. i know how to have discipline now though. it still is progressing though.

ive decided to stop cussing. maybe sometimes for dramatic effect, but never more than once every hour or so. day or so. month or so.

theres a value to just living....
i couldnt explain that one in words.
hm, theres a value to living peaches in the summer and santa clause.
look that the herron.

i dont want to do anything i have to reason out to myself anymore. its very tiring and usually ends wrong.

im also not happy with how i think ive taken part in sophia's social development. im to ashamed to write any more. and i cant try to undo it without screwing it up more.

on the whole, im glad my life has run out of its rut.