knurd flah

i have this deal. this deal when im in a quick situation, a situation that brings anxiety. my subconcious takes over and you can see right through me. right through me to what i really am behind all the walls and barriers i put between myself and the world. barriers to make myself more charming or personable.

im really not very good at these things yet: these barriers. and this is just a symptom of this. i really need to get rid of these seems and cut holes the tailer hasnt yet fixed. the tailor really needs to go back over his work. sloppy work. it wasnt thought out. just put together. slipshod.

awareness. concentration is what i need. i need to read more.

why is my mind so fragile? so flexable?

why do i change so quickly? i really would rather not. id much be happy to work hard to get to a good state and then just stay there. if i read alot for one week ill have good concentration ofr that week and maybe a week afterwards and the its back to normal. why cant the permanent impact be done? its very annoying how flexable my mind is.

just during this one month or so ive been at work my mind has been trough phases:
i came there with my ever-important facade well in place and effective. it was in place and effective cause i had no time to think to myself for the last 6 months. i didnt let myself over-analyze and i was comfortable. then, suddenly, about 2 weeks later i was a low as i had been senior year, fall semester. i mumbled about and spoke softly and basked in low self esteem. you cant escape over-analyzations when your by yourself for 7 hours at a time. it takes over. dishes are the catalyst .

then, a started changing again. started reciting the mantra "y memory is wonderful". the one day i must had done over 1000 times. the stray thoughts started to lesson. now im back to normal almost. just a bit of work to be done. im not the same as when i started the job though. i guess thats what im finding out with this message. though i really already knew it but only subconsciously [yes!!!].

what will i do? strive for an existance where i can either be:
1. able to analyze and keep my wild anxious subconscious from taking over all the time [the subconscious is the one that overanalyses]
2. change the subconscious [takes a long time but i need to do it eventually anyway.

what do i want the subconcious to change into? it needs to be:

driven for success - is already just a bit
creative - is already minimally but is already
relaxed - is about half way. i should aim for being relaxed no matter what
confident - main issue. my subconscious has barely and confidence in my ability while my conscious mind does.

how will i do this?
this is a hard question. its hard to please all three. tea helps the creative and relaxed but not the confident and the sucsess. i dont know aobut meditation. being with friends help all of em except the success. reading helps all of them. i should read more.

this job hasnt let me read as much as id like.