so im an enlightened man today. indeed.

i have just come from just the most pleasant walk about my neighborhood as could be. it was a full moon and i had a cuban cigar and opeth playing. i felt it important to mention these things too. also the time, but im holdin' back. see?

im not sure whether im going to keep this a secret or not. it seems more 'permanent' than writing in my book. and thats very silly. all this is only 0s and 1s in a server somewhere. i stray.

ive decided to accept a life of moral collectivism. the last three years of my life were based on objective truths and a morality that enveloped all. the thing is, that basically meant i could allow myself to do anything provided i reasoned it out. and anything can be reasoned. oh yes.

but thats all gone now. morality isnt really something that should be thought about too much.

im still sewing up a nice sized tear. what is it now? i think its the last of my ego. that thing, yea. it tore me apart it did. it occurs to me that many people are probably torn up too. everybody has an ego these days. everyone mature at least; many who arnt too! The problem is that i still take people very seriously if they are kidding about or tactlessly offending me with no intent of offending me. just playing around. i also have this sense of 'justice' where everyone should be improved. everyone will be improved, but it will take time. i want to help people but i push my help on those im close to. many times these people dont want it. this leads to trouble.

i realized today that i never formulated a trust in the 'rules' of society or the conscience maybe partially because i never trusted my parent's judgment from an earlier age. ny dad being atheist always had me questioning things too. i remember in sophomore year knowing that i was more moral than my parents and most everybody. course that was wonderful and all and i was headed in the right direction but i just didnt have the discipline to back it up. why? i never figured that out. i know how to have discipline now though. it still is progressing though.

ive decided to stop cussing. maybe sometimes for dramatic effect, but never more than once every hour or so. day or so. month or so.

theres a value to just living....
i couldnt explain that one in words.
hm, theres a value to living peaches in the summer and santa clause.
look that the herron.

i dont want to do anything i have to reason out to myself anymore. its very tiring and usually ends wrong.

im also not happy with how i think ive taken part in sophia's social development. im to ashamed to write any more. and i cant try to undo it without screwing it up more.

on the whole, im glad my life has run out of its rut.